Classic children's books, rewritten for The Federalist.

Another day, another article about how the unstoppable forces of wokeness are coming for your kids. This time, via an article in The Federalist with the snappy headline “A Woke Children’s Literature Cabal Is Conditioning Your Kid To Be An Obedient Leftist.” TL;DR: Remember the good old days, when kids’ books taught important values like shame and conditional love?

And so, in honor of The Federalist, I present a list of classic children’s books rewritten to counteract the wokeness cabal:

Blue Lives Matter for Sal

Guess How Much I Love You if You’re Straight

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Leftist Cabal

Make Way for Amy Coney Barrett

No Room on My Broom

The Boxcar Children Are Ruining San Francisco

The Little Engine That Could Take Away Your Human Rights

The Grand Wizard of Oz

The Snowy Day Is a Clear Indicator that Climate Change Is a Hoax

If You Give a Mouse Student Loan Forgiveness

The Runaway GOVERNMENT SPENDING

The Taking Tree

Miss Nelson Is Teaching Your Kids CRT!