50 Fictional Librarians, Ranked
Shhhhhh.......
40. Miriam Radford, Murder, She Wrote, “Murder Takes the Bus”
Home library: Not on this bus.
Special talents: Knitting, swooning, fangirling, swiping first editions
You always knew: One appearance by Blanche makes any episode a classic.
39. Betty Lou Perkins, The Gun in Betty Lou’s Handbag
Home library: every small town library outside of New Orleans
Special talents: Finding murder weapons, knowing an opportunity to get her husband’s attention when she sees one, cleaning up extremely well
On the poster: Bugsy, Capone, Clyde, Betty Lou Perkins?
38. Dr. Abigail Chase, National Treasure
Home library: the National Archives
Special talents: performing acrobatics in formalwear, treasure hunting, falling in love with kidnappers
Snotty retort: “Did Bigfoot take it?”
37. Connie Randall, No Man of Her Own
Home library: Glendale library
Special talents: Flipping coins, flipping cons, those eyes, Carole.
#same: “Sometimes I go out into the woods and scream, just to keep from bursting.”
36. The Loud Librarian, All That
Home library: unidentified library populated by teens and SHH! signs.
Special talents: Jackhammering, chainsaw operation, bowling, etc.
AKA: Mrs. Hushbaum
It’s ironic: “QUIET!!!!!!! THIS IS A LIBRARY!!!!!!!
35. Ardelia Lortz, The Library Policeman
Home library: Junction City Public Library
Special talents: Feeding on fear, forcing sad men to do her bidding, inhabiting humans, seduction
Run, Sam: “I’ve been in the business a long, long time, Sam. And they’re not renewable, so be sure to get them back by April sixth . . . Or else I’ll have to send the Library Policeman after you.”
34. The Librarian, “Quiet, Please” by Aimee Bender
Home library: Unknown town library, apparently basically unsupervised
Special talents: Creative grieving?
The crux of it: “She is amazed as she glances around to see how many attractive men there are that day. they are everywhere: leaning over the wood tables, straight-backed in the aisles, men flipping pages with nice hands. The librarian, on this day, the day of her father’s death, is overwhelmed by an appetite she has never felt before and she waits for another one of them to approach her desk.”
33. John Lewis, Only Two Can Play
Home library: Aberdarcy Library, Wales
Special talents: Failing at having an affair, being Peter Sellers
Fighting words: “You’re going to get it in a moment, boy-o, and not in blank verse either.”
Based on: Kingsley Amis’s That Uncertain Feeling
32. Lucy Hull, The Borrower
Home library: the Hannibal public library, Missouri
Special talents: Encouraging children to read, kidnapping
Time passes: “I hated that I’d started to look like a librarian. This wasn’t right. In college, I’d smoked things. My first car had angry bumper stickers. I came from a long line of revolutionaries.”
31. Nan Perry (and Alec Leamas, in a supporting role), The Spy Who Came In from the Cold
Home library: Bayswater Library for Psychic Research
Special talents: Mostly being a pawn, to be fair.
Her name was originally Liz Gold: John le Carré basically liked the film, but complained: “In The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, two idealistic Communists, one an innocent woman librarian from London, the other a member of East German Intelligence, are callously sacrificed for the greater good of the Western (capitalist) cause. Both are Jews (although in the film, for reasons I never understood, the innocent librarian, played by Claire Bloom, was not allowed to be Jewish).”
