My Partner Refuses to Read or Even TALK About Books? Should We Break Up?

Hello, hello, hello!

Welcome back to another star-studded installment of everyone’s favorite alcohol-soaked advice column, Am I the Literary Asshole? It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving (and giving, and giving, and giving). I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and since we’re coming in hot off the holiday weekend, why not keep the good vibes flowing? Turn that frown upside down and turn that three-day weekend into a full week of fun.

And nothing says fun quite like a spicy margarita, am I right? Little bit of lime, little bit of salt—it’s basically a health drink, chock full of essential vitamins and electrolytes.

I’ll pour us a couple and we’ll jump right on over to our first caller of the day:

1) How do I know I’m on the right track with my writing? I mean, are the things I’m writing worth publishing? How do I silence those inner voices?

Oh wow! Thank goodness for this margarita. This is a very large question for such a small and humble (and drunk and comedic) literary advice column.

There are many ways to answer this, of course. The “right track” can mean any number of things. It’s all according to what exactly you’re looking to get out of your writing. You’ve provided two additional questions as a form of follow up: how do you know the writing is worth publishing and how do you silence your inner critic? And while both of those are valuable things to consider, it’s important to note that these three things don’t always have to sit together.

Knowing that you’re “on the right track” with your writing could mean that you’re making art that feels exciting and fresh. It might mean building on the writing you’ve already done, honing your craft. It’s even possible that it could be directly related to how you feel about yourself as a writer and as a creator. When applied to the secondary, is it “worth publishing,” I have to admit that’s a lot harder to answer. It’s thinking less about your own personal viewpoint with regard to what you make, and instead looks outward, requiring an understanding of how other people might view your work. It also assumes an idea about value that’s intrinsically pointed toward worth with regard to consumption.

See what I mean? We need another margarita (or three).

All this is to say that there’s no way for me to know, personally, whether you’re on the right track. I especially can’t answer if your work is commercially viable re: publication! But what I can say is that we are without a doubt our own harshest critics. The way to silence your mean inner faultfinder is to spend time making work that you care about. There’s always going to be that voice that tells us that we’re doing things wrong, or that the work could be better. But at the end of the day? If we’re writing the things that bring us pleasure, then that’s all that really matters.

Does that mean that the work will inevitably get published? I can’t answer that. But what I can tell you is that you’ll care a lot less about that aspect of this trifecta if you feel a solid sense of confidence in what you’re actually making. We can’t control a lot of things when it comes to the literary world—especially how other people perceive our art, and how they might choose to engage with it—but we can control how we manage our own feelings.

If you love what you’re doing, and you feel that you can see yourself continuing onward and upward? Friend, you’re on the right path. Trust yourself.

The thing about a margarita is that they always taste better after a second round. Let’s cheers to that and take a look at our next question:

2) Hi Dad!

My issue isn’t necessarily me being an a**hole, but possibly someone else in my life being one?

I’ve been with my partner for almost eight years. We are highly compatible in every way, except for the fact that they don’t read. By that I mean that they don’t like to read *for fun*. They just don’t like it very much. At all. A big part of my life is reading. It’s important to me. Whenever I try to talk with them about anything having to do with books, they tune out or just change the subject. They claim it’s boring. We can talk about anything else, but on this one topic it’s a no-go. I hate it, because I love them, and I really want to talk about it with them!

Oh yikes! This is a tricky one.

Mostly it’s tricky because if they told you they didn’t like reading back when you first started dating, then you already knew they weren’t ever gonna be someone who’d share this (important) part of your life. Does that suck? For sure! But they never hid this from you. It’s not a surprise.

If they don’t like reading, they don’t like reading. That’s the long and the short of it.

I mean, you could always try out talking about different kinds of books. Different genres, maybe, or even different formats—it’s completely possible they might be someone who likes listening to audiobooks. Maybe they’ll be up for talking about a book that’s also been adapted into a TV show or a feature film.

But it’s also completely possible they’ll never be someone who wants to talk to you about books. And if you wanna stay with them, you’ll have to learn to deal with that.

Getting into a relationship with someone and expecting them to change who they are isn’t reasonable or rational. If you’ve got other things you share and you enjoy talking about all of that with them, that’s wonderful. I say focus on that stuff and share your love of reading with the other people in your life.

But if you’re looking to have a romantic partner that shares this particular interest with you? It’s totally possible you’ll need to swan dive right back into the dating pool in order to find it.

Answering relationship questions! Shocking. Okay, time for our last question and our last margarita (and boy, do I need it):

3) My agent recently gave me feedback on my current WIP. Most of the advice is practical and helpful, but there is one thing she said that I’m not sure about: she doesn’t like my main character. Now, she doesn’t come right out and say they’re unlikable, but she did mention that readers would have a hard time relating to this character and their choices. Is this really something I need to focus on in order to sell my book?  

This is yet another question that will genuinely take some puzzling out!

I don’t know your agent, I don’t know you, and I don’t know your work. This means I’m pretty limited in terms of what kind of advice I can hand out here.

If you’ve been with your agent for a while, then I’m going to assume that you have a good working relationship. That means you trust what your agent tells you with regard to your body of work. They should have an innate understanding when it comes to how you write and what matters to you. If you feel like they’re an overall good fit (and from your letter, it seems as though you usually do feel that way), then you have to go in with an assumption that they have your best interests at heart.

Did your agent actually say that they didn’t like your main character? Or are they pointing out places in the text where you might need to sit and puzzle out character motivations? It’s possible there’s a lack of clarity when it comes to how this character is sitting on the page and inside of scenes. It’s completely possible they’re trying to help you address these issues; not trying to hate on the actual character. It’s very likely that there’s something missing.

I’d follow up with them and ask for more clarity on this particular point. That’s part of why we have agents, right? Having all those hard conversations that inevitably make our work better. Like with most things in life, communication is key. I think once you talk this through, you’ll get to the root of what’s actually been said. And then you’ll have a better understanding about how to proceed with your relationship AND your edits.

Good luck out there.

And good luck to all of you! Because guess what? That’s all the time we have for today! Join me next time when I answer more of your questions (please send them right on over) and also hopefully have a drink with a little less sodium (went heavy on the rim, yowza).

Salty,
Dad

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Are you worried you’re the literary asshole? Ask Kristen via email at AskKristen@lithub.com, or anonymously here.