If you find yourself in mortal danger this weekend, remember the last words of these famous writers.
In case you haven’t noticed all of the Seasonal Content on the internet this week, it is almost Halloween. It is almost Halloween, in a pandemic, again. [Insert joke about masks here.] Even though we all know that the real monsters stay home on Halloween, humans have been known to get themselves into some pretty sticky situations with absolutely no paranormal assistance. So be careful this weekend—but if you anticipate finding yourself in danger (mortal or merely moral), you might as well tuck away some really literary and impressive last words to quote before the end. I mean, that’ll definitely help.
If you accidentally find yourself at a college Halloween party: “I see black light.” [Victor Hugo]
If after gorging yourself on chocolate, you feel a deadly sugar coma coming on: “Oh, I am not going to die, am I? He will not separate us. We have been so happy.” [Charlotte Brontë]
If you absolutely cannot wait any longer for the train home: “I can feel the daisies growing over me.” [John Keats]
If you run into your ex . . . and you’re wearing the same costume: “Don’t let the awkward squad fire over my head!” [Robert Burns]
If your costume is just too niche: “Does nobody understand?” [James Joyce]
If the party is over and it’s time to sink into your nightly doomscroll: “I am going to the inevitable.” [Philip Larkin]
If you had too much champagne: “I am dying! It’s been a long time since I drank champagne!” [Anton Chekhov]
If you unexpectedly find yourself in a hotel: “I knew it! Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room.” [Eugene O’Neill]
If you dressed up as quarantine’s dumbest viral trend: “Take away those pillows. I shall need them no more.” [Lewis Carroll]
If you need to see the stars before the end: “The ladder, quickly, bring me the ladder!” [Nikolai Gogol]
If you’re over 35 and it’s 10pm on Halloween: “Now, I shall go to sleep.” [Lord Byron]
If you’re over 35 and looking at TikTok: “What is the answer?” [When no one replies] “In that case, what is the question?” [Gertrude Stein]
If you’ve gotten all the way through this dumb list, bless you: “I want nothing but death.” [Jane Austen]
If you’re a realist above all else, when it comes down to it: “Ow, fuck!” [Roald Dahl]