x

The Hub

News, Notes, Talk

First lines of classic novels, if no one had childcare.

Jessie Gaynor

August 3, 2022, 12:17pm

Mrs. Dalloway
Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself, but when she tried to get her kid to put on pants he said that pants were scary and then screamed for 35 minutes so I guess, fine! No flowers!

Invisible Man
I am an invisible man. No, you can’t see me. You can’t. We’re playing a game, and it’s called I’m invisible and you can’t see me for two minutes and you have to play with your toys by yourself. I’m setting a timer.

Moby-Dick
Call me, Ishmael. Actually, no. Only FaceTime, and only if you’re prepared to entertain a toddler for five minutes while I go pee.

One Hundred Years of Solitude
Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. They were supposed to go to the grocery store first, but when they got there Colonel Aureliano Buendía whined the whole time about ice so finally his father relented, even though he knew he was reinforcing a bad behavior but you know what? He was really, really tired.

Gravity’s Rainbow
A screaming comes across the sky, despite the fact that it’s only 5:15 and the light on the “Time to Wake Up!” alarm clock that the internet swore would work hasn’t turned green yet.

Swann’s Way
For a long time, I went to bed early. But now night is the only time I can get any work done so I guess I’ll sleep in… four years?

The Stranger
Mother died today. Metaphorically. In reality, the sweet release from responsibility was denied to her.

The Unnamable
Where now? Who now? When now? Why now? Why now? WHYYYYYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW? WHYYYYYYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOW? NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

The Great Gatsby
In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. Whenever you feel like taking all the dirt out of the houseplant DO NOT TAKE ALL THE DIRT OUT OF THE HOUSEPLANT. This is your second warning. The houseplant is a living thing. You don’t want to make the houseplant sad, do you? Please put it back. Put. It. Back. PUT THE DIRT BACK IN THE HOUSEPLANT.

Rebecca
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. Manderley is the name of our daycare, which has been closed for a Covid exposure for eight days. I miss it so much.

%d bloggers like this: