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Better titles for ex-Trump staffers’ memoirs.

Jessie Gaynor

August 6, 2020, 3:59pm

Another day, another announcement of a memoir from a former Trump collaborator. This time, it’s Fiona Hill, an ex-advisor who testified in Trump’s impeachment inquiry, whose “views about the future of a polarized America” will be published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt in 2021. I have nothing more to say about these books, other than this: I think that almost across the board, the titles need work. Publishers, if you’re listening, I am available to consult. Here are some examples of my work:

Fiona Hill
Actual title: There Is Nothing for You Here: Opportunity in an Age of Decline
Better title: The Wrong Hill to Die On

Anonymous
Actual title: A Warning
Better title: Guess Who Still Gets Benefits

Omarosa Manigault Newman
Actual title: Unhinged
Better title: Topical Paradise: Adventures in Briefly Rejoining the Discourse

John Bolton
Actual title: The Room Where It Happened
Better title: Say No to This [Explicit]

Cliff Sims
Actual title: Team of Vipers: My 500 Extraordinary Days in the Trump White House
Better title: Snake Goalie: If You Throw an Egg at Me, I Will Eat It

Anthony Scaramucci
Actual title: Trump: The Blue Collar President
Better title: How to Win Friends and Influence Ryan Lizza

Michael Cohen
Actual title: Disloyal: The True Story of Michael Cohen, Former Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump
Better title: Girl, Tread Very Fucking Lightly: Stop Committing Perjury About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be

Sean Spicer
Actual title: The Briefing: Politics, the Press, and the President
Better title: The Spice Channel: Tales from That One Time I Went to the Emmys

Chris Christie
Actual title: Let Me Finish
Better title: This is an impeccable title, and I have nothing to add.

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