Am I the Literary Asshole For Wanting My Friends to Shut Up About “Querying”?

Hello again, friends and neighbors! I’m so pleased you could join me once more for that time-honored tradition: rubbernecking at other people’s drama! That’s right, it’s Am I the Literary Asshole?, the drunken advice column that also moonlights as a round of speed dating (that reminds me, if you send me your missed connections in the literary world, I’ll throw them up at the end; take a chance on love, take a chance on me, or anyway so says ABBA). I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and I’m pleased as punch to be here imbibing with you all.

It’s cold outside! Exclamation point! We should try our very best to stay warm, right? How about we toast with a couple of spiked hot chocolates as we peruse our latest literary offerings?

Cheers, and we’re off to the races:

1) Hi Dad. I recently finished writing the first draft of my first novel–yay! I’ve noticed though that there are a surprising number of people in my life who seem completely uninterested in my endeavors. I don’t expect anyone to be throwing me a party or anything but most of my family as well as some of my closest friends seem totally checked out on this particular topic. My husband says that my achievement is making other people (some of them creatives themselves) feel insecure but I’m not sure if that’s right or not. Am I the literary a**hole for being hurt by their disinterest? Any insight into what might be causing this and what to do about it?

Howdy, pal. Thanks for writing in with this one.

First off, I just wanna congratulate you for completing a draft. That’s amazing news. Hell yeah! Getting that first draft onto the page is truly one of the hardest parts of crafting a novel, so that endeavor is something very worthy of praise. I’m glad to hear that your husband is celebrating that fact (even if no one else in your life has said much about it).

And yes, now onto the sticky part.

I’m sorry that people haven’t been kinder about it. There are any number of reasons something like this can or might occur, but since I’m not privy to your actual day-to-day life, I can only speculate on what those scenarios might entail. So yes, I’ll dig into a few examples of that now, but please take any of this with an enormous grain of salt (at least large enough to season your margarita):

You haven’t discussed it as much as you think you have. This can happen upon occasion! We’re so obsessed with a project that we’re thinking about it all the time, but we don’t actually say those words aloud to the people in our lives. So even if we feel like we’re constantly shouting about our passion projects, it’s possible we’re just thinking about them (very loudly in our own heads). Have you tried talking very explicitly to people about the fact that you’ve finished a book and that you care very deeply about it? Have you asked to be celebrated? It’s perfectly fine to do that!

People aren’t taking it seriously because they see a draft and not a finished, published book. Now, I definitely don’t agree with this mentality, but there are plenty of individuals out there who aren’t part of the literary world and don’t get what a dramatic and important feat it is to finish a draft! We live in a horribly capitalist society where people genuinely only see getting paid as proof that something big or cool has happened. It’s possible that you’ll need to break this down more specifically for the loved ones in your life (this is definitely a hundred percent applicable when it comes to family; I can’t tell you how many times someone’s asked about the monetary value of a short story publication).

There are possibly creative people in your life that don’t want you to succeed. Friend, I hope this isn’t the case. But if you do have other writer friends in your life—ones that you consider close—then it is weird that they wouldn’t congratulate you on this achievement. If that’s the case, take a moment and evaluate who really bears the weight when it comes to real and true friendship.

Regardless of whatever issue occurred, I hope you’re able to hold fast to the great feeling that comes with working successfully on a project. Best of luck editing this draft! I’m rooting for you.

Brr, it’s cold in here! There must be more spiked hot chocolate (in the atmosphere). Another? Here’s our next question:

2) I have multiple friends who always want to talk about querying, ask me to review their queries or opening chapters, and discuss other publishing biz stuff. I work in publishing, so I have that knowledge, but am not an agent, editor, or anyone with pull. With my own writing and outside of work, I prefer not to talk shop as it can put me into an anxious spiral, I really just want to be a good, dedicated writer, and I’ve been thinking about leaving the industry for a whole host of reasons.

Also, I know said friends have only written a first draft or less, so discussing publication or helping my friends query seems pointless. I would never say so directly, but I have hinted many times that they should focus on writing and revising. How do I politely shut down these conversations and turn down requests for help? Deep down, I’d say the only help needed is more focus and maybe a self-evaluation if they actually are passionate about writing, but is this too mean?

Hey buddy!

I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this. I’m going to veer into the opinion that the glass is half full here and hope that these people in your life just don’t know any better (and assume that you’re such a nice and kind friend that you haven’t had the heart to tell them to stick their questions where the sun don’t shine).

Your feelings here are perfectly valid. People who are obsessed with querying to the point of ignoring the actual work aren’t going to produce anything of value. Writing means time alone with the page, developing a practice, and caring more about what a story might tell us, or unfold in the imagination of the reader. People can sometimes really put that metaphorical cart before the horse and decide to indulge in wild fantasies about what the book deal might look like (when they haven’t even sat down to write the actual book).

I think you’re perfectly within your rights to ignore these query questions. Or better yet, start straight up telling people that you’re not interested in having those kinds of conversations. Steer those talks back toward craft and practice. The writer friends that you want to have in your life will happily do that with you. Everyone else can just go find another query sounding board.

Okay, now I’m feeling toasty! Shall we have another? Last question of the day:

3) Hi Kristen—I’m a big fan of your writing and your advice here on Lit Hub. I’d love your thoughts on my dilemma. I am a published author with a small but growing presence on social media. I’ve been fortunate, knock on wood, that most of my interactions on these platforms have been pretty pleasant, and I’m careful to only follow or interact with people who seem bookish, thoughtful, and sane. When someone is kind enough to @ me about one of my books, I’m quick to respond with a like or a comment and often share their posts.

But recently I’ve had several people tag me in what I would call “so-so” or mostly good reviews that highlight things they like about my books but also what they see as shortcomings or failings, not stated as opinion but as objective fact. They’re attached to Instagram-worthy photos of my book covers, so I know this attention is mostly good. And I’ve been around long enough to know not to respond defensively or argue my case with them regarding their criticism. If these were just random posts that I’d come across by digging around, I would forget about them and move on. But these show up in my notifications and “tagged” tab, and in some cases they are people who follow me.

So here’s my question—do I have to pretend to be happy about their posts? I feel like I’m supposed to heart it or reshare it, but I’m slightly annoyed. Am I the asshole for not wanting to interact with them even their reviews are somewhat good? And a second question—why do people feel like they should tag me in these posts? Thanks Dad! –

from A Thin-Skinned Author

Woof. I definitely feel you on this one!

Please don’t feel bad about any of this. It sounds like you’ve been doing things exactly right! You’re kind, you want to interact with people, and you’re grateful that there are people out there reading and interacting with your work. That’s all terrific.

But here’s what I know: we can’t control what other people decide to post on the internet.

Folks think they’re doing something kind when they tag you in a not-so-nice review. It happens all the time, actually. They want you to know they’ve read the work, they want you to know their thoughts about the writing, and they genuinely (for the most part) think they’re doing a good deed when they post these things because it means exposure for your work (and assume you’d value the “feedback”). The fact that we don’t need to see every last little bit of critique when it comes to a book or an essay or a story that we’ve worked on for (sometimes) literal years does not compute to them. It sucks, but it happens. And there’s no way to stop it, at least as long as people are on social media.

So here’s my advice (and yes, it’s the same advice I give myself). Take a look at the post, and if they say something that’s not so great, simply don’t interact with it. Just because someone wrote something about your work and posted a picture of your book doesn’t mean that you’re required to give it a like or share it or even comment on it. You owe them nothing. You can pretend you didn’t see it and just move on with your day.

And that’s all the time we have for today, folks! Join me next time when we revel in gossip (and I brew us up some more toasty beverages; it seems like it’s gonna be cold for a while, even in Florida). And don’t forget to send me your anonymous questions!

Stay warm,
Dad