Am I the Asshole For Having a Huge Crush on My Editor?

Well hello there, stranger! I’ve missed you. Welcome back to the most scintillating, compelling, thrilling, and hands-down drunkest literary advice column this side of the lord’s internet. That’s right, we’re back with another exciting installment of Am I the Literary Asshole?, the column that’s built to spill (all kinds of juicy gossip). I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and I can’t believe it’s already January. Someone restart the hard drive on this year. It needs a reboot!

We’ve got some great stuff to check out today, folks. That’s why I’ve gone ahead and already poured us some shots of tequila. Listen, if the new year is gonna try and throw us for a loop, why not throw ourselves even harder?

Slam those glasses and pass the limes, it’s time to get right into the mix:

1) Hey Dad. Relatively low-stakes one here. My good buddy and I both started out making theater. Her work is amazing, and when we’ve worked together it’s been great (it’s how we met!) and she’s always treated me like an equal even though I’m self taught and much less experienced, and she’s got tons of production experience and degrees. Our friendship got me through 2020 and she’s seriously one of the best people I know. She’s a little older than me, and I look up to her so much. She hauled ass during lockdown and got a book deal, and the book is amazing. Seeing her shining since then inspired me to move into fiction in a way I haven’t since adolescence, and it’s been really nice, except for one thing: my good buddy never wants to talk about my work! 

She and I talk a lot about writing, but it’s only her writing. We talk through plot points, go on brainstorming tangents; hell, I even proofread her social posts about it sometimes, and I’m usually happy to do it. I’ve learned so much about the craft and business of writing from her and also she’s a badass and watching her make something from nothing is kind of miraculous. But when I bring up my stuff, she always gets kind of uncomfortable, has short answers, and changes the subject, usually back to her. I can’t tell if this is a Her Thing or a Me Thing. Like, is she being weird about this, or is my writing bad? Or both?? I don’t even think she notices she’s doing it, but I also have a history of feeling silently taken advantage of in friendships.

My therapist says I should just ask her what’s up, that she’s my good buddy and it’ll be fine, but I’m worried that “hey bro, why do you only want to talk about your process and work? Is it because you’re the real author here, or does mine just suck?” is a bridge even a friendship like ours can’t come back from. What should I do? My friendship with her is important to me, but I’m finally feeling more and more like the writer my kid self really wanted to be, and it makes me really sad when it doesn’t feel like I can even bring it up with her. 

Thanks, 
Supportive Nobody

Hello there. Thanks for writing in with this one.

Right away I want to tell you that you’re definitely a supportive friend, but you’re certainly not a “nobody.” Everyone starts out in the same place when it comes to work: as newbies. Nobody knows anything right away. We grind at things and work hard, and we learn important lessons along the way. It’s wonderful to have other writing friends who also experience these highs and lows alongside us. It allows us to feel that we’re not alone on this artist’s journey (I could make an Artist’s Way joke here, but instead I’ll take the high road—pun intended).

What’s not cool? That your friend is apparently using your kindness and supportiveness to make you their personal sounding board. Friendship means a lot of give and take. It’s a reciprocal relationship; one that requires support from either side. If this person isn’t providing that? I genuinely hesitate to call them your friend. It seems more like you’re functioning as an unpaid assistant or intern.

I’m with your therapist on this. There’s got to be a way for you to (gently) nudge your pal, ask them if they’d be open to providing more feedback and care when it comes to sharing your work. If the answer is an unequivocal no? Then I’d ask you to really sit and think if this person is actually all that great of a buddy to you. They’re not doing this because your work is bad. They’re doing it because they want all the spotlight. Asking for a little light of your own shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Especially between friends.

Friendship! It’s what makes the world go ‘round. That and tequila shots, am I right? Let’s shoot another and jump into our next question:

2) This is a literary question, I promise. But l have a crush on someone. The literary twist is that that someone is someone who has been reading and editing my work for some time. Senior in being established but not age or anything like that. And not a paid editor and no, not a writing professor or anything Netflix documentary-ish. I’ve managed my feelings so far, compartmentalized if you will. Yet they’d like to continue our professional friendship despite the fact that it was just meant to be a one off. I don’t know if I can do that to myself but at the same time, it’s been one of the most productive periods of my fledgling writing career (late bloomer).

I’m pretty confident that talking more, reading more of their work and just the dynamic will make me like them more. We get along like a house on fire. And I can be my full self around them which I think has made this so productive, having a first reader that won’t judge my ideas and feeling safe enough to write in parts of myself I would usually want to hide. I’m definitely not gonna make it awkward by asking them out etc. (I find that so awkward when men do it to me and it’s supposed to be a friendship and/or a professional relationship). Any words of wisdom, dad?

Friend, I’m going to put this bluntly: keep things professional.

Crushes are overwhelming, I get it, but if you value your work (and the time this person is putting into editing it), then I must strongly urge you to push these feelings aside and get on with the business at hand (which is writing). That’s what matters most. Especially if you want them to remain your editor!

It makes perfect sense that you’ve become attracted to this person. They’re giving you validation when it comes to your art. They take you seriously, they seemingly understand your work, and they value what you’ve made. These are all things we want in a partner, aren’t they? It’s appealing!

But I’d caution you to continue keeping things above board. I know you’ve said you worry that you’ll become even more attracted to them if you continue reading their work, and yes, that’s a distinct possibility. But are you getting feedback from them that would make you think they feel the same way? Or are they just acting in a friendly, professional manner? Does this person give you any indication that they’re attracted to you?

Your instincts are right: don’t blow up a fulfilling relationship if there’s not any promise of it turning into something outside of and editor-for-editor thing. Focus on all the good things you’re currently getting from this relationship. Friendship is intimate! Sometimes our brains can get confused when we get vulnerable with people (especially when it comes to writing). And buddy, you’re going to come into contact with a lot more of these kinds of situations as you progress in your career! The feelings will pass.

One more tequila shot? One last question? A real wild card!

3) Dear Kristen, 

I’m incredibly lucky to have a parent who has always been supportive of my creative endeavors and writing life, both when I was young and now that I’m an adult. So I definitely feel like the literary asshole for complaining about the fact they also frequently offer advice about it, despite not having any experience with the literary world or the writing process themselves. 

This usually shows up as them making suggestions of things I should write about (any opinion or interesting fact I share in conversation, any topic that’s in the news, anything they see is popular). I know it’s well-intentioned; they have faith that I could write brilliantly on any subject! But it’s frustrating to constantly explain that I only have so much time to write around my day job, that getting things published is more difficult than they assume, that there are many other brilliant authors writing about these things—and that just because I could write about something doesn’t mean I have to, or want to. 

We’re otherwise close, so I don’t want to completely avoid talking about writing with them, but I’m not sure what to do. Is there a good way to tell them their advice isn’t helpful, or should I just grin and bear it knowing they mean well?

I love this one. It’s such a classic!

Parents love to tell their children exactly how to do their job (even if they’ve never done that job in their life). It’s a holdover from raising kids, I think. They feel compelled to continue instruction, even if what they’re advising about is well outside their personal wheelhouse.

I’d say that if your parent is well-intentioned, then it’s fine to just offer up, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind” and move the conversation onto different topics. They’re proud of you and want you to feel supported. That’s a great thing. Just take what they’re saying with blank face and then go scream into a pillow about it afterward. Or hey, this might make a great short story…. (I’m kidding).

And that’s all for today! Join me next time when I will NOT be drinking another tequila shot (but I will be throwing a lime into my glass of beer). I’m so glad to be back! Please send me more of your anonymous questions!

This is the New Year and I don’t feel any different,
Dad

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