I Want to Write About This Jerk Who Ghosted Me: Am I the Literary Asshole?

Welcome back, friends! It’s been a while, but now we’re back to our old tricks. That’s right! It’s time for another charming installment of Am I the Literary Asshole?, the advice column that’s fresh into the New Year and spouting resolutions, but will we manage to keep them? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

We’ve got a slew of new questions in the queue, but I’m still keeping up with all the others that came in before the break. I want to make sure I get to all of them! If you haven’t heard from me yet, it’s because there are still so many in the pile—don’t worry, I’m on it, I promise.

Let me tell you what, you guys are really going through it (in the literary sense—I know that we’re all going through it… in every other sense, too). So today I think it would be nice to start things off super chill with a glass of white wine and a plate of something snacky. Just a light bite (and a couple sips) to start us off on the right foot!

Cheers to you, my buddies, and let’s take a look at what you’ve sent your ol’ pal Kristen for review:

1) Is it okay to write a novel based on a real situation that happened? I was ghosted by a friend/paramour during covid and have never gotten over it. My current novel project, a second chance romance, uses that as a starting point, and then turns into a caper involving an investigation, a career competition, and other romance tropes we love. But what are the ethics there? Kristen, AITLA?

This is a great question to get us back into the swing of things!

First off, I’m very sorry about your ghosting situation. It’s never a good time to be on the receiving end of that speedy kind of goodbye from a love interest, and it would be especially awful if it simultaneously was someone who you’d considered a friend. The loss of both would feel terrible. I do not envy you any of that, especially in the midst of the pandemic. Tough stuff all around.

But moving to the “asshole” part of your quandary, I think it’s safe to say that from what you’ve described here, you wouldn’t be in the wrong to fictionalize this situation for your work. My reasoning for this is simple: sadly, it’s the kind of thing that’s happened to many people, so not only will it resonate with readers, I think it’s safe to say that no one will know that you’ve done it (aside from YOU) because everyone has a story like this. They’ll relate, but they won’t know that you’re talking about a specific person.

Now, let’s be real. If you add in a ton of very serious details—say, for instance, putting in a version of this person’s name (instead of Jennifer, say… Brennifer), adding descriptors that basically provide the reader a mugshot (down to the very specific birthmark on their body), or giving verbatim back and forth quote-style responses between you and your ex—then we could be in some asshole territory. If you’re only planning to use the gist of the ghosting situation, however, you should be safe as houses.

The ethics here are going to be whatever makes you feel good about creating work. If it makes you feel like a dick to write this person in (because let’s face it, it seems like you’re already feeling guilty for even considering it, even though no one would ever know), then maybe steer clear. Whatever you’re working on should stand on its own and be something that you feel excited about, not a project that’s going to give you a serious case of anxiety.

Overall, I want you to continue to feel awesome about your new novel. Make the choice that feels right for you and this book. Listen to your gut here. It won’t steer you wrong.

Let’s pour another glass before we take a look at our next problem of the day, because it’s a tough one!

2) Why is everyone so ageist in publishing? Why are people such assholes?

I wish I had an answer for you, friend.

The truth is that ageism is a problem everywhere. Publishing absolutely has a bad time with it, sure, but it’s also something that’s part of everything we touch as we move through the world. Jobs, media, relationships, healthcare—you name something in our society and we can easily point out someone who is making aging an issue.

What I’d like to do, though, instead of focusing on publishing as a whole—because that would take more than one column; it would require all of them—is instead focus on the fact that you sent this question to me.

What this tells me is that you (or someone you know, someone you care about) has experienced this problem directly. Let me take a moment to tell you how sorry I am for that. Most of us out here working and writing are never going to be on any lists that require you to be 35 and under. Hell, I published my first novel when I was almost 40! People are hyperfocused on youth.

The publishing industry is corporate, which means that it’s always thinking about money, which means that it’s wild about “vitality” and the “next new thing.” Consider Mad Men and all those dudes running around trying to creatively package things so that people will feel like they’re further away from death if they decide to buy a flashy car. Out with the old, in with the new.

But there are plenty of indie publishers—and people IN publishing—who are working to fight against ageism. There are problems everywhere, even with small presses, but it’s encouraging to know that it’s not everyone. It’s not all the time, even if it sometimes feels like it.

I’m sorry, friend. Know that there are good people out there, even if it’s easier sometimes to listen to the louder (shittier) ones. Take care.

Damn! Let’s finish the rest of the bottle, shall we? I’m ready for the last question of the haul!

3) Is putting together a list of books to read in the New Year a good idea? Or am I just setting myself up for the (inevitable) failure? I know this question isn’t about being an asshole or anything, I’d just really like your opinion.

Thank you for asking, gentle reader!

I think if you’re the kind of person who flourishes with a list in front of you, then it’s a great idea to think about which books you want to dig into this coming 2025! But if it’s something that gives you stress—which it seems like it might, since you decided to ask me this (anonymous) question—then I’d take it easy and just go with the flow. You can read whatever you want without keeping track. Life isn’t a Book-It project; no one is gonna hand you a coupon for a personal pan pizza if you finish the allotted amount of reading (though I truly wish they would).

I’m going to take a stance and say we all need to take it easy on ourselves this upcoming year, and yes, I am including myself in this mix. Be sweet. Be gentle. And be good to yourself! We’ve got a lot of year left, folks.

And that’s all for now! Join me next time when we’ll be even further into the new year (and even further into the next bottle of wine). I love you all! You delight me!

(And send me your anonymous questions!)

Merrily,
Dad

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Are you worried you’re the literary asshole? Ask Kristen via email at AskKristen@lithub.com, or anonymously here.