Dear male writers: here's how not to write about breasts.

Today, on the garbage website that controls our lives, some actually very good writing advice from author and editor Katherine May, which I present below without further comment:

A note from a very weary editor, to all male writers:

Women’s breasts are not communication devices. They are not sending you, or your male protagonists, encoded messages. They are, in fact, insentient. They neither dance nor issue invitations.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

In the vast majority of scenarios, they don’t merit a mention at all.

You know how it’s rude to stare at boobs in real life? It’s a similar breach of etiquette to mention them repeatedly in your prose, while their owner is just going about her daily business.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

(While we’re on the subject, few women will come to a spiralling climax from anyone grabbing them. Just so you know.)

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

In addition, they are rarely arranged for your personal approval.

I know, it’s hard to believe, isn’t it?

Most of the time they’re just sitting there, just as your own moobs are just sitting there, quite innocently, not carrying any meaning whatsoever.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

And here’s a very simple rule of thumb: if you’re describing a woman in a professional context, do not – I repeat, do NOT – mention her breasts. It is not just irrelevant; it’s downright icky.

If it would count as sexual harassment in real life, don’t put it in writing.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

Now, it may well be pertinent to talk about boobs when your characters are having sex. Bon. However…

Breasts have no musculature, and so cannot move independently. They do not surge upwards in excitement unless their owner is bouncing on the bed. (In which case, good for her.)

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

They are not woodland creatures. They do not tremble, vibrate, rise to your touch, or indeed sit up on their hind legs and sniff the air in anticipation.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

They do not – please god – nestle.

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

We know you love boobs. I mean, who doesn’t? They’re adorable things.

But if you are trying to write a serious novel please try to hold back from mentioning them all the frickin’ time. It’s downright creepy.

If ever the phrase ‘kill your darlings’ were relevant…

— Katherine May (@_katherine_may_) September 6, 2019

I also highly recommend this thread’s mentions. Reader and writers alike: you’re welcome.