Buddy, the Library Isn’t a 7-Eleven

Today someone handed me a Costco card. For what purpose? To check out books, of course! This is the fourth time in my illustrious library career that this has happened.

In honor of this brave soul (who owes me 600 Costco-sized boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese and a legit flight of boxed wines if they try this again), I present to you a collection of interesting items people have asked for at the circulation desk:

– My full coffee mug, my breakfast, my lunch, my dinner, the gum from my mouth

– Birthday party supplies (for a party they were planning to throw in in the library, SURPRISE!)

– Ibuprofen

– Plastic bags to clean up after a dog (where was the dog, we don’t know)

– The newest season of Game of Thrones that had not yet aired on TV

– A ream of copier paper

– Two reams of copier paper

– Printer ink

– Eight feet of “heavy duty” chain

– Birdseed

– Tampons (this one I get—tampons and sanitary pads should be free, and they should be available in every restroom, don’t @ me)

– Tomorrow’s newspaper

– Lottery tickets

– Cigarettes

– A VHS player

– The book with the blue cover, the book with the red cover, the book with the green cover

– The book that’s about horses . . . but not like about, horses, you know?

– Breath mints (cinnamon preferred)

– Tip for pizza delivery (delivered to the library, didn’t even offer me a goddamn slice)

– A microscope

– JOANN Fabric coupons

– A book of clean jokes (for a bachelor party)

– A scooter repair kit

– A fishing license

– Any items from Lost & Found “worth over 100 dollars”

– Eyeglasses

– My eyeglasses

– Sunglasses

– My sunglasses

– Canned corn

– Sunscreen, a beach towel, a swimsuit

– A terrarium

– The hair tie on my wrist

– “I like that necklace you’re wearing can I borrow it”

– Breakfast cereal, “but not that sugary crap”

– A spare tire

– A lawnmower

– Pasta sauce

– Glow sticks “for a rave”

– Keys to the library to come in after hours and “do some stuff”

– Wart remover

– A dictionary, but only one that doesn’t include swears

– A sharpie, to “mark out the swears in the books”

– Chapstick

– Alvin and the Chipmunks puppets

– An exorcism kit (“What do you mean what’s an exorcism kit??”)

– A cello

– 20 to 30 inflatable balloons (red preferred)

– Tax forms

– TAX FORMS

– T A X F O R M S

– “Do you guys have any eclipse glasses”

– “Do you guys have mayo—not Miracle Whip?”

– Markers, but only the ones scented like fruit

– A fake mustache

– A frisbee

– Any plants the library “isn’t currently using”

– Sidewalk chalk (“How can you guys not have sidewalk chalk? This is the worst library!”)

– Electromagnetic detectors for ghost hunting

– Sunflower seeds

The best part about this list is I’ll just get to keep adding to it, forever and ever, amen.

My fellow librarians and library staff: what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever been asked for at the circulation desk? I’ll feature the best answers in my next column!

Okay, gotta go, someone wants to borrow my car.